Fantasy Meets Reality is a candid look at the world of fantasy football from yours truly, the world’s foremost authority on the subject (data unofficial and skewed). This isn’t a start ‘em, sit ‘em column, but more of an opinion-based commentary sprinkled with facts about the NFL and the fantasy phenomenon that’s turned all us armchair quarterbacks into armchair quarterbacks with roster tweaks to make every week. Perfection is unattainable, but it’s damn sure fun to try. Enjoy!

Well, here we are. The lockout is a distant memory and we are two weeks entwined into the great escape of fantasy football. ACLs have been torn. Neck surgery has gotten more air time than our national debt, although I’m anxiously waiting for Peyton Manning to run onto the field wearing one of those dog cones to lead the Colts to a comeback victory out of pure frustration for what Kerry Collins is doing in his relief.

Points have been scored, points have been left on the bench. Wins have been attained, and losses have stuck with us for six agonizing days between Sundays.

No matter what the last two weeks have brought you, there’s no doubt fantasy football is back, in all its gut-wrenching glory.

So let’s take a moment and get up to speed:

Cam Newton looked like an extra speedy, illusive calamity in preseason. Now, he’s the best thing since Nutella. OK, I’ll fully buy into the “once is an accident, twice is a trend” mindset here. But can we honestly think the golden goose is going to keep laying golden eggs filled with ridiculous fantasy points every week? Obviously 400 yards a game isn’t in the cards every week (I’m looking at you, Brady. That’s enough, show-off.), but I can’t see him being a starter you deploy every week with confidence. The last two weeks have been neat, but let’s not have that bust at Canton molded just yet.

Jamaal Charles gone for the season. Ouch. I saw this guy go in a variety of different first-round slots, as high as #2 in one league. There’s a lot going on in Kansas City, but it mainly revolves around barbeque. The team is a far cry from its 10-6 showing of 2010, and things aren’t looking too promising with Charles, TE Tony Moeaki, and CB Eric Berry sidelined for the season. From a fantasy perspective, the reality is this: Run from this team like you just robbed a bank.

On a scale of 1 to HOLY S#@*, how good was the season opener between the Pack and the Saints? Thank God for the good game and even better fantasy stats too, because someone really needs to get word to the NFL that a pre-game Maroon 5 performance does NOT get me ready for some football.

The Lions and Bills are 2-0. Their offenses are killing it! If you put a chimp in a room with a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, eventually he’ll produce you a Pulitzer Prize winner. That seemed to be the M.O. of these two organizations for the past couple decades. “Let’s keep trying, eventually we’ll get something right.” Granted, we are two weeks in and it’s not time to crown ‘em just yet. But you can’t deny the fantasy explosions Ryan Fitzpatrick and Matt Stafford have had to this point. So, let’s give credit where it’s due and say they both FINALLY got something right. Keep on throwing, fellas.

Congrats to Tony Gonzalez, passing Terrell Owens on the all-time receptions list! You’ve been a class act in this league for many, many years. And, despite your postgame comment about “getting old,” your Week 2 showing against the Eagles speaks loudly to the contrary.

Some consistency, please. OK, so the NFL is either going to give us time to freshen our drinks with these TD reviews, or they’re not. Either way, pick a side! Yesterday, and this ALMOST hit home since I was playing against him, Darren Sproles “scored.” But the replay that never took place clearly showed he didn’t. Thankfully I drafted like a rockstar and that didn’t keep me from a win. (Truthfully, Tony Romo came back or I would’ve been dead.) And how credible does Mike Carey look coming back on the field after OVER HALF of Ralph Wilson Stadium had adjourned to the parking lot for cornhole and wings to announce the Bills last-second INT was indeed an INT?! I’m all for replay, but let’s establish something consistent, people.

Arian Foster, please let that damn hammy heal. I know he doesn’t care about me and thinks I’m sick for thinking about my fantasy team. On a human level, I want the dude to get better. He’s an exciting player. On a fantasy level, I absolutely want the dude to get better. He’s on two of my teams. A keeper in one league, a first-round pick in another…yes, we all need that hammy at 100%, sir. I’m assuming you took a QB with your first overall pick in your fantasy league, Mr. Foster? Amateur. We’re not sick, we just love our fantasy, baby!

I could go on and on, but that catches us up. I apologize to all the other players that have beefed up our stat lines and gone off in their first two games. I’m sure someone wrote about you somewhere. Google it.

Going forward, I’ll pick a single subject and stick to it. But if the last two weeks are at all indicative of what we are going to see over the course of this season, you and I are going to have a lot to talk about. And you can chat with me by leaving your comments below (I always respond to comments) or hook up with me on Twitter (always respond to tweets, too).

Until next time, on with the Fantasy!

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